A sadist's den is like a bed of nails, it brings nothing but pain
by yourstruly247
Summary: Catherine learns the hard way that breaking and entering is wrong.


**I don't know much about Catherine and Kagura's relationship. This fic revolves around Catherine not knowing Okita Sougo. Kagura is 20, Okita is 24. **

**This hasn't been proofread. Please feel free to point out any errors in this fic and I'll do what I can to remedy them. **

* * *

Catherine is, and always will be, a burglar at heart. Buried under a lifetime of kindness and moral support from her beloved tsundere of an employer – although it was hard to find much benevolence within Otose's constant nagging and abusing of authority – there was still an undying urge to steal.

Don't get her wrong: she was more than content with her lifestyle and her modest material wealth. Yet, in spite of these little blessings, nothing truly compared to that rush of adrenaline one experienced when pocketing something, _anything,_ that wasn't theirs.

However, Catherine was not a third-rate thief. Stealing some small, worthless object would never suffice for an expert armed with her reputation. If she wanted to thoroughly satisfy her thieving cravings, the amanto needed to get her hands on something invaluable; an item that would be protected by only the highest and tightest security. She had pride after all.

So when she overheard a couple of wasted Shinsengumi officers in Otose's Snack Bar discussing how _loaded _their first division captain was, she knew exactly who her next target was. But breaking in during the middle of the night would be too easy, so she'd rob the sucker in broad daylight for the sake of a challenge.

And so the preparations began.

* * *

A week passed by at an achingly slow pace for the cat burglar. She was either too excited or constipated, but either way Catherine couldn't ignore that tingling sensation in the back of her spine as she prepared herself for the robbery she'd been planning. Mentally, she went over a checklist of burgling necessities, just for good measure.

'_Tight, dark-green spandex suit for agile movement? Check.'_

'_Facial disguise for identity protection? Check.'_

'_Sexy lingerie for seduction purposes if all else fails? Check.'_

She glanced at the clock by the door (11:30am it read). After stalking Okita Sougo for seven days, Catherine knew that at this time the 23-year-old would be out trying to mutilate that pathetic excuse for a heroine. Wearing a smile so ugly that it could make a blind man cry, she crept out of the window, ensured that she was unseen ("_Hey! Is that Rock Lee?") _and stealthily made her way to her victim's house. It's show time.

* * *

Breaking into his house was far more difficult than she'd initially assumed. The fence was low enough for her to climb onto with ease, which was a disappointment to say the least. However, it was only when she leapt onto the roof that hell had begun.

The roof was clear of birds so she figured she'd gracefully dash across the tiled surface - twirling at random intervals as she ran - and once she reached the other end, leap over it majestically and enter through the highest window. That would be an appropriate entrance indeed.

Before she could put her full-proof plan into action, an innocent pigeon casually flew past her and landed itself only but a few metres in front of her. Not even a second later, the foreboding sound of 'beeps' reached her ears. Catherine would have been blown to smithereens along with the unsuspecting pigeon had she not followed her instincts and immediately jumped off the roof, securing her footing on the seemingly harmless ground.

What kind of sick bastard puts _landmines _on his roof?

With no other option available, she settled for the typical approach and tiptoed her way over to the front door without the fancy twirls and graceful leaps...only to find that the ground was loaded with landmines as well.

Okita Sougo did not take well to visitors, so it seemed.

By the time Catherine managed to avoid the explsovies (well..._most of them_) and reach the house, half an hour had already elapsed. Despite the numerous near-death experiences, she was still giddy with excitement at the prospect of theft. After all, why would a person place landmines across every square foot outside and on top of their house, if they didn't have some precious items inside?

To her surprise, the front door was unlocked. Throwing all caution to the wind in a surprisingly uncharacteristic act (her logic reasoned that nothing could be as torturous as those mines) she twisted the knob and let herself in...only to be greeted by a cannon aimed right at her face.

However, as she had managed to duck right at the last minute, the ball went sailing over her head, out the front door and rode off romantically into the sunset on a bypassing eagle.

She recovered quickly from the trauma of almost having her head severed, yet her heartbeat remained rapid from the sudden attack as other thoughts entered her mind. Was Okita Sougo at home? Had she miscalculated? Much to her relief (and disturbance), she looked up to find the house void of any occupants for the time being.

It was almost as though he _wanted _someone to break into his house, just so he could come home to find the perpetrator in a bloodied heap on the floor.

Closing the door quietly, she sidestepped away from the canon and did a visual inspection of the officer's living room. The kitchen and dining area were to the right of the room, with a hallway in between the two areas which lead to what she assumed were the bedrooms and the bathrooms. As for the living room itself, the place was simple, the furniture cheap and any decor was kept to a minimum. There were no elaborate designs or fancy furnishings. Nor were there any family photos or framed medals. Catherine sighed, for a guy who was supposedly earning bucket loads of cash, his house definitely did not reflect well on him. The room was almost bare save for some couches, a table, a modest sized TV and a very out-of-place cupboard by the wall.

Footsteps echoed across the room as she walked towards the cupboard, running her fingers across the smooth fabric of the sofa as she did so. Standing in front of the wooden closet, she examined its exterior for any booby traps (once bitten twice as shy) and – after thoroughly ensuring that it was relatively safe to open – grabbed the handles and swung the doors outwards to reveal its content.

Now she knew why his house was so modestly furnished. All the money he _should have_ spent on purchasing better fixtures was invested in glimmering chains, long whips, studded chokers, leashes, a ball gag, flogs, and _was that a dildo?_

Catherine's musings were interrupted by the unwelcome sound of sirens. She froze. Did she set off a silent alarm? Her heart plunged at the thought of being caught by the police in some sadistic freak's house after having found _absolutely nothing _of personal interest in here to steal. Screw her pride; she'd rather get caught empty-handed than attempt to run away so she could be attacked by more landmines and cannonballs in the process.

Yet neither option really appealed to her. So Catherine resorted to hiding in the cupboard with the array of sex toys until she conjured up a better plan. Who knew? Maybe the police would unknowingly set off all the landmines around the house in their attempt to approach it and, taking advantage of their injured states, she could make a clean escape?

As a car pull up by the house, the amanto held her breath and conveniently found a small crack between the cupboard doors where she had perfect view of the rest of the living room. The sirens were switched off and the soft pitter-patter of feet reached her ears. Muffled voices could be heard outside the front door.

"So typical of a tax robber, using a siren to clear traffic for yourself you selfish sa-"

"You only say that because you're too stupid to think of it yourself." A lazy voice drawled.

The pair continued to bicker as one of the two fumbled around with a bunch of keys. "Oi Sadist, did you switch off the custard-made secretary sister? I don't want to have my beautiful face destroyed by your cannons."

"It's _custom-made security system, _dumbass. If I hadn't switched them off before we would have exploded about 5 minutes ago." Catherine snorted inwardly, oh how right he was. But any previous thoughts lingering in her mind disappeared the moment the door opened and a white cheongsam filled her vision. _Was that the Yorozuya brat?!_

"And my cannons would improve that disgusting face of yours, China."

Okita appeared behind the Odd-Jobs Member, forcing the girl to enter his abode with an unceremonious kick to her rear. The burglar watched Kagura's face twist into a grimace as she turned around and growled out an unladylike "Fuck you."

Yet much to the bystander's surprise, the man simply snorted and replied with "You already have".

Catherine's expectations were further thwarted when – instead of continuing the verbal battle – the redhead opted to throw herself onto the couch, raise the back of her hand to her forehead in a dramatic pose and wail, "Oh, for a beautiful maiden to have her innocence taken away by such a beast! What a crime!"

The cat burglar could not believe her ears! '_Did the aru-aru girl really do the *meep* and the *meep* with THIS GUY?' _Fearfully, she spared a second glance to the ghastly items that surrounded her in this tight space. Did he use these things on that china girl? Were they even cleaned? It took all of her willpower to not puke right then and there.

Things took a turn for the worse when the shinsengumi officer returned from the kitchen and crawled on top of the redhead on the couch, lowering his head out of Catherine's view. But based on the breathy moans that followed, she could guess what was happening.

"It's not a crime if she's willing."

Oh Kami-sama, they were going to get frisky right then and there, and Catherine had no choice but to witness all of it. The term 'closet pervert' was about to be taken to the next level.

Luckily for the cat-woman, salvation arrived in a most unanticipated form.

"China, is that _rice _in your hair?" Sougo moved his face from the creamy crevice of her neck to have a proper look at the woman below him. Sure enough, grains of rice were scattered within her vermillion locks. How hadn't he noticed it early?

Kagura's fingers continued gently massaging his scalp. "So what if it is? Maybe my hair was hungry too...?"

An exasperated sigh escaped his lips. "You're like a dumb blonde but without the good looks." He moved further away from her. "Sit up and I'll get rid of it."

Having not taken too kindly to his words, she moved her fingers from his scalp to grab a hold of his flaxen locks in each fist. She then viciously pulled his hair, using it as an anchor of sorts, to get herself into a sitting position.

"OUCH! You ungrateful bitch!" With more force than necessary he grabbed her by the waist and made her sit on his lap, facing him, while he proceeded to not-too-gently yank the grains of rice from his lover's hair, smirking with every wince that crossed her features. Kagura exacted her own revenge at the same time; her slim fingers resumed their massaging of her rival's scalp but this time combined the use of her nails with excessive force.

Catherine watched this interaction in confusion for several moments. _'What kind of romantic relationship was this? Could one even call it romantic? Was this what that baka Gintoki and that glasses stand taught her? Did they even know about this in the firs–_

"Woah." A feminine voice brought her out of her musings. "Your hair doesn't smell like Gorilla's pubes today." That had to be the most insulting compliment she'd heard in a while. "Which shampoo did you use?" Kagura was running her hands through his silky flaxen locks with awe written across her features. "It couldn't have been L'oreal, because you're not worth it."

Sougo responded by throwing the girl over his shoulders and heading out of the living room. "I'll show you how to use it." From the way his voice echoed off of the walls, Catherine correctly assumed that he was walking down the hall. She tensed her body, ready to escape. "An idiot like you would lack the mental capacity to wash your hair properly."

"FUCK YOU!"

"Gladly."

The bathroom door clicked shut.

Without a moment to spare, Catherine busted out of the closet and sprinted out of the house. Forget about stealing, she had just been robbed of her sanity.

* * *

Half an hour later:

"Oi China. Did you hear?"

"What."

"Apparently that guy from Naruto is somewhere around."

* * *

**I hope you guys understood the references I made or else I failed at being funny. I apologize if this wasn't funny anyway. I don't know how to be funny.**


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